Nat's poetry pages

The Secret...The Hidden One

2012-01-21T15:12:00.000-05:00

Secrets…Everyone has them – some keep them, some share them as they were meant to be shared. Others should never be spoken.
Secrets can send ripples through time that affect generations.
They can turn friends into enemies and can burden one’s soul.

They can be liberating when released to the right person – at the right time;
They can be damning if told out of anger.
Little girls whisper them while giggling and pointing,
Lovers share them to show trust and acceptance.

Secret lovers
Secret gardens
Military secrets
Family secrets
Secret locations

Within this seemingly boring, shell of a person lives a well guarded Secret.
It has unknown strength, yet it is fragile –
Delicate and easily broken for it also has feelings and emotions
That tend to run a little too deep at times
It carries knowledge and understanding of things unthought-of by others.

I have shouted my secret to the world time and time again,
And yet never spoken it aloud to anyone.
It always stands just upon the tip of my tongue,
Eagerly awaiting the chance to spill out like a mysterious waterfall.

I nurture and care for my secret as I do my children.
I feel I must keep it safely hidden away from those
Who would not understand,
Or would see it destroyed for their selfish reasons.
So I have created a separate, secluded world
Where it can flourish and grow,
Without hindrance from the hellish reality I experience every day.

It lives and breaths, locked away and hidden.
The nature of its very existence unseen –
Where it came from unknown for sure –
What it has seen and done long forgotten –
How it came to become all that it now is
Has been lost forever behind a mask –
A shell presented and accepted as the truth.

What lays hidden beneath the façade….is the true Me.

I am the Secret

Forbidden

2011-11-21T18:38:00.003-05:00

You are like forbidden fruit –
dangling before me - tempting me –
daring me to take one succulent taste of that which I dare not want.
Because I should not have you, I want you all the more!
A breath across your body –
barely a whisper of a touch –
I inhale your scent –
you rush through my body like a drug.
No promises will be made –
allowing us to stay fully in the moment as we leave behind our fears –
our conscious minds to be totally consumed by the fires
we have ignited within each other.
I leave behind all pride and ego to come to you with only desire –
to please you – devour you – strip away your control and
allow us both to bathe in the complexity of complete surrender.
When it is all over –
and I am merely a shadow in your memory,
I will try to convince myself that I can forget you.
Some days I will even believe it’s true.
Then, a shadow of a scent –
a whisper of a touch against my skin –
will bring the unfailing memory back to haunt my dreams –
and I will be consumed by you once more.

The Sleeper...it's all Davey's fault

2011-07-01T11:10:00.000-04:00

I got my first glimpse of him
As we moved across the faire.
The echoes of pipes and drums
Lingered in the autumn air.
His aura pulled me to him;
His voice cast a spell
Under which I all too willingly fell.
Although to another my heart did belong,
Something was forever stirred
By the sound of his song.
Memories of another lifetime
Came brilliantly into the light;
Reminders of a time when
To live you had to fight.
The image of my chieftain’s silhouette,
Standing proud and tall upon the hill,
Stirred passions intense enough
To chase away the autumn chill.
A haze of long buried memories
Shimmered around that image
Like disembodied spirits
In an eternal revelry.
Even through the ages I could sense
His massive strength.
When he cast his gaze upon me,
Enlightenment exploded within.
I knew without a doubt
Who I once was
And what I was capable of.
A vision it may only have been
But the physical weight
Of what came with it
Sent a shockwave through my body.
I crumpled at the feet
Of the very stranger
Whose voice alone
Had awoken my slumbering soul.

Mind Games

2011-06-08T13:58:00.000-04:00

A song on the radio…
The profile of a stranger passing on the street…
A voice similar to yours…
All tear through me like a knife.
To know you don’t see me in your dreams
You don’t hear me calling out to you
To know that you are somewhere else
And not here with me
It isn’t me that holds you at night
It isn’t me you look to for comfort
It isn’t me that heals your pain
Sooths your soul

And it isn’t you that loves me.

I never expected to see you here –
To hold you - To know you -
To feel your warm breath upon my skin.
I never expected for you to be a reality –
Like someone that had just stepped out of my deepest, hidden desires.
I never expected to love the way you looked at me,
The way you smell
The way you reach for me.

I never expected to love you.

Widow's Requiem and Solace

2010-02-27T22:01:00.000-05:00

She tells him that she loves him and kisses him one last time before releasing him from the binds of his comatose life. He is free to leave behind the suffering and pain of his physical body. His final request is that she be able to find love again. For now that is too much to ask of her; she has yet to find the strength to sustain her own life let alone start another.

After a lifetime together she finds herself suddenly alone, sitting on a stone bench before the marker that bears his name. Her love for him both heals her broken heart and wounds it all the more while her tears fall like rain upon the grassy floor.

His resting place is quiet and lovely, in a neglected sort of way. The Forgotten whose living have moved on are half hidden in the overgrowth of flowers that were planted by the still grieving. Once majestic archways no longer lead anywhere but stand as doorways for the departed. The mighty oak trees that once provided shade with the sweep of their graceful limbs are bare and carry less foliage with each passing year. Wisteria clings lovingly to the worn brick façade, its flowers a cascade of purple inviting her to forget the dead and come, instead, to experience their scent.

As the days go by, she finds that she enjoys wandering the grounds. Nothing that walks with her is living, yet she finds a strange solace in the headstones of granite and marble - the testaments to other shattered lives now bound in the silence of Time’s unending embrace. Each time she comes across clusters of over grown markers, she stops and lovingly tends the graves, promising all the while that she will not leave him to the same sad fate.

As the dusk falls and she says her good night, she often sees the ghosts of those who have found peace dancing upon the bricks. She feels the wind that keeps the beat and hears the birds that sing their lamenting tune. Each time she sees them she weeps, though she is less and less sure if it is for him or for those that are dancing away.

As is the way with Time, she takes one breath at a time; little baby steps become days and weeks. Years pass and she moves on with life, learning to do so as someone other than his wife. Every now and then his memory slips in and she runs to where he sleeps. Her heart skips a beat but no longer breaks. Her tears are eventually replaced with laughter. She begins to thrive and without warning, Love for another finds its way into her heart.

She comes to the place of The Forgotten one last time. With tear filled eyes, she clears away the over growth she had promised would never be. Each tear that falls upon the grassy floor takes with it the binds that held them together for so long. When dusk falls and she says her final goodbye, the wind blows, the birds sing their lamenting song and she watches as he dances across the archway.

At last, they are both free.

Enlightenment

2010-02-18T17:45:00.000-05:00

Enlightenment~
Can be the simple realization that you love someone for the first time
It blooms within you~
It fills you~
Tentative at first, it makes your nerves hum with excitement and an overflow of energy.

Enlightenment~
Can be as profound as your broken heart in that very moment
you discover that your life will never be the same.
Your heart stops beating~
You stop breathing for that split second and you feel as if you will never survive the pain of it all.

Enlightenment~
Can save your life
When you wake up and see the sun, knowing for sure that you truly are stronger than you thought.
It washes over you~
Infuses you with knowledge and understanding

Enlightenment~
It isn’t free ~
It doesn’t come easy~

You have to sacrifice something and you have learn something about yourself

Reconciliation

2010-02-07T11:28:00.001-05:00

I surrender to the sweet embrace of sleep
And allow my senses to be over come.
Within the coma of night we still exist as one;
Dancing, twirling through a crowd of memories
Both bitter and sweet.
Only within this brief respite of time
Can our life be perfect.
There are no longer regrets
And words thrown in anger or frustration.
Just this once I can tell you all the things that
I didn’t know I wanted to say.
Without the burden of emotions
I can clearly see where mistakes and misunderstandings
Became something unrecognizable.
What was once true and pure
Had slowly faded into that
Dancing crowd of memories
And vanished.
Forgotten and lost among the debris of our shattered romance.
Have we let it go and moved on with our lives?
Or does it sit, buried in the silence of the past –
Festering and bleeding like a burn upon our hearts,
Poisoning the present with ghosts of what might have been?

The Keep

2009-11-20T21:54:00.002-05:00

Silent sentinel…keeping watch from your lonely hill, over a countryside long forgotten…lost in time…forsaken by man. Lands once well kept and bountiful are now a tangle of wildflowers and grass from lack of care.

Gardens…once fragrant, lush and beautiful – devoid of color…a mess of scentless weeds and unsightly vines that strangle what life might have remained beneath your foundations.
Your grace has become lost beneath centuries of disrepair and negligence. Your halls are littered with the remains of a life no longer lived. Animals dare only seek short refuge from storms within your collapsed roofing. They do not stay long and they are always silent. Peace has also forsaken you.

There is only one that dares occupy your ancient, decrepit halls…the remains of your lavish yards. He cares not whether your floors are covered with dirt and grime. He feels not the wind that howls through your broken windows and open doors…nor does he feel the frigid waters of the loch that have flooded the surrounding yard. He has long ago given up the desire to find rest upon your lavish furnishings. He no longer craves or needs any of the comforts that he once took for granted…He simply waits.

Mist gathers over the moors as the night swiftly closes around. A copse of imposing Oak trees massive in height already darkens the lane leading to The Keep. Their lush canopy makes one question whether it is mid-day or mid-night. Just beyond them, the loch reflects the fiery colors of the setting sun. Mirror smooth is the water surface despite a solitary boat of ancient design slipping silently toward The Keep. It moves swiftly without benefit of wind. It leaves no rippling wake but a sense of great sorrow lingers. All who note its passing do themselves take passage within its shallow hull. Say good bye and have no regrets, for there is no return from this journey.

He knows the boat comes for him…to bring him at last to his final rest…still he refuses passage. For a lifetime he has waited and many more he shall still. A promise was made…to never leave this world without lying eyes upon her loving face once more…before glory and fortune called him to foreign shores. Though The Fires of Death have long ago consumed his body…he waits.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alone She wanders, the countryside captivating her. In her minds eye she can see the splendor of a time long ago. She touches a stone wall, covered with moss and vines, with longing and reverence…her hands tingle, her sight blurs. Like the seeds that feel the sun's warming rays after a long bitter winter, an understanding unfurls and begins to grow…Something buried deep within her subconscious awakens.

A Vision…clear enough to be tangible yet retaining the feel of a memory…appears before her. In appearance it is like looking in a mirror, but somehow the image was different. There is a regal bearing about her. Before She could contemplate more, the image stepped forth and became one with Her…blending the Conscious awareness of past and present.

With that blending, also came the memories of another lifetime…memories that lead her to the old Lane. All around her She can now see faces and hear the voices of people who once loved her, urging her…guiding her. With their sight she is running up the lane, instinct knowing it is time to go home.

Home

There was no need to wonder why that should feel right to her. She knew in her heart that this was once her home. She was another incarnation of the image. A flood of emotions washed over her as she ran. Anger…sadness…fear…joy…one after another they filled her mind with memories until she thought she would go mad! Holding her hands to her head she cried out…releasing pent up energy and clearing the fog that comes when two lifetimes suddenly blend into one consciousness.

When her mind cleared, she was standing in the great hall of The Keep. She did not remember crossing the loch! Still, her feet were cold…her shoes muddy and wet. With all the memories of the past now vivid in her mind, she moved to the set of steps that lead up to the rooms upstairs. Each step brought other, more painful memories to mind. She was reminded how He promised to never leave without seeing her again…the pain that seared her heart at word of his death…the madness that had threatened to take her after his pyre was lit.

She stopped in front of the room she had shared with Him and looked within. This room held a lifetime’s memories and emotions. She felt split in two…as if her past self was stepping forward and taking control. Everywhere she looked she saw another object that brought memories. Every memory brought understanding and reason to parts of this life…so much of now was shaped by events and actions of that previous life. Understanding brought a feeling of completion.

She heard herself call out His name, but it was not the voice of present. She felt that she was in a dream. She was there but not in the form she knew to be herself. Silence seemed to grow heavy and breathing was impossible…she felt dizzy and lightheaded. She feared she was losing her mind. She was wondering if the spirit of a lover of the woman she used to be would be waiting as he had promised so very long ago.

In her mind she heard that other self whisper softly “He was not just a lover. He was our husband. He was the other half that made us whole.” She closed her eyes as sorrow flooded her and she felt tears slipping down her cheeks. Never in this life had she felt a love so strong as to last through time.

“Why do you cry, My Love?”

Her eyes flew open at the husky male voice. He was so close. It was unnerving to think that his was a spirit. Her breath stopped in her chest when she looked fully upon his face. He was not a spirit at all…but flesh and blood! His eyes were as gray as the storm clouds. His hair was a fine auburn red and He stood well over a head taller then her. All the blood drained from her head at once and She started to crumble to the floor.

With easy movements he carried her to a bench and gently lay her against the time worn wood. He could understand her surprise. He himself had never expected to find that his soul lived again when his spirit has wandered these halls for centuries! To be able to feel with Human hands again…to see the rich colors that played across the Loch…colors that were reflected in her features. Her soft pink lips, crystal green eyes, ginger colored hair…He looked at her and knew he was only complete with her.

At that moment the sun’s first rosy rays began to peer beyond the Loch. The boat that had come to take a wandering spirit to its final resting place vanished into the morning sun….it’s hull carrying only those that had chosen passage over life.

Within the ancient Keep, a Man and a Woman who lived and loved long, long ago….and would Love once more…held on to each other for dear life. For in the centuries since their first passing, they had wandered aimlessly…waiting for one another to return and remember.
The Silent Sentinel will sit lonely…forgotten and forsaken…no more.